I’m quite terrible at doing anything regularly, am I not? Ah, well.

Greatestaccomplishment: I learned how to can! That has been my highlight of the past few weeks. I’ve made batches and batches (okay, 2 batches) of bread and butter pickles and then canned them. And once I have enough blackberries picked, I’m going to try my hand at jam (although I tried last summer and failed miserably).

I pretty much have a job, which is yayness for me, I’ll perhaps have money for the first time in my life. Although I doubt I’ll buy much more than I do now (which is practically nothing). What job, you ask? The same job the mentally challenged kids get! I’m bagging and cart-pushing at a grocey store.

I DID go to the mall the other day and actually bought myself some clothes for the first time in…wow, a long time. I may have only gone ’cause I needed khaki pants for the job, but me in a mall? I’m proud. I got two cute tank tops that are soft and cozy and make me feel like a ballerina. Until I walk and trip over my own feet, that is.

I turned in my application at my local community college, and once they get my transcripts I can sign up for the art classes I want to take this fall. The lady working at the counter was the most condescending woman I have ever met. So there’s step 1, part 2, of my future. After that semester? I don’t know, I’m trying not to be concerned about where my life is going (community college? Grocery bagger?) and just enjoy it. I don’t HAVE to be the best or the brightest or accomplish great things…but it’s very hard to convince myself of that.

Amazing hike! I went on a climb through Bone Cave. It was complete awesomeness. There was graffiti from the 1800s (when soldiers mined saltpeter and hid in the caves) all the way through to the 1980s (they blocked the entrance to the cave for public use after that–due to vandalism!) on the walls. And an area where you had to climb down a pretty much vertical chute. And I saw a real honest-to-goodness packrat. Yes, I just used the phrase honest-to-goodness. I didn’t even know packrats were a real thing, much less that they’re about 12 inches, not including the tail, and live in caves. The guide also told us about a guy who went in the caves with only one light, in which the batteries died, and then he had to spend three days in complete and utter darkness before he was found again. Three days. Absolutely no light. Ohh, I can’t even imagine how terrible that would be.

Ohhhhhhh, I have done a silly, silly thing. What is that thing? Getting myself addicted to Lost. Yes, three years past the time everyone else got addicted to Lost…but have I ever been “with it”? I think not. I just finished watching disc 4 of season 1…and I neeeeeed to get to Blockbuster and rent the next. I’m even eyeing Season 2 on amazon. Do I have the money for it? No. Will I still buy it? Yes. And season 3 isn’t even out until December! Oh good lord! I’m fidgety and sweaty and my eyes are probably bloodshot and I feel like I can’t live without more! I believe I have a problem.

I think I’ve figured out what I want to do with my life. Or, well, what I want to do with my next year or so. Attending a liberal arts college in the boonies of the north completely and utterly failed, so I believe I’ve found about the opposite. I want to go to the Art Institute in Atlanta, Georgia, and work towards a degree in advertising. I can study art and drawing, which I absolutely love, and also work towards something practical(ish). My parents keep talking as though I’d go there for a year and then transfer back to liberal arts, but as long as they’re agreeing that I can try it out, I won’t complain. Is this a crazy ass poorly thought out plan? Perhaps. I love being creative although I’m not fantastically artistic. And it isn’t really a super-guaranteed field to go in. But I’m not out to get rich, just get by and enjoy life. So, nothing is set in stone, but it’s good to finally have an idea of what direction my future might take.

I went on a hike the other day, which consisted of me and fourteen other people, none of which were younger than three times my age. But wow, they could hike. It was fun and exhausting (7 miles!), although it would have been prettier if any of the falls we passed had had water in them (yay drought!).

Iwentto my town library today and it was utterly disappointing, as expected. There’s barely anything there, it’s dark and poorly laid out, and there are NO new books. So, now I’m here, bookless, until I can get to Borders and waste some of the money I don’t have (its kinda depressing when not even fast food will call back for an interview). Anyone have some good book recommendations?

I’m in love with tennis, yes yes. I’m not particularly good at it, but I’ve been playing every day (usually against a backboard, as it seems to be difficult to convince others to go run around outside in 90 degree weather in the middle of the day, hmmm…). And now the French Open is on! Although, its all pre-taped and I keep accidentally seeing who won all the matches. Oh dear.

I’ve been having more fun with my camera lately (which is just a Canon PowerShot SD600, as a couple of people had asked).

The baby bats keep falling out of the bat box, as that’s just how they do, yo. No worries, they are all surviving and happy, they just spend a day clinging to the wall making unhappy sounds. I apologize to anyone with a fear of bats, but I find the babies adorable in the creepiest gargoyle-esque way possible. Animals are utterly fascinating.

Found this praying mantis while scrubbing the side of my house (my parents come up with weird summer chores). This little bug no bigger than my thumbnail ATTACKED my camera, leaping off the wall to land on it. Hence the change of background scenery.

Mmmm, tofu cheesecake. In case your appetite isn’t whetted by photos of creepy crawly things. This also brings me to point out my brand spankin’ new cooking page, which will hopefully be growing quickly with tasty recipes. The about page has also been completely redone, and I’ll be getting around to books before too long.

Hopefully pictures make up for the lack of excitement in this post, as they basically sum up what I’ve been doing lately.

I’m tired of being poked and prodded and examined and judged in every possible way, not only by others but by myself as well. Why is coming to terms with myself so difficult? And it doesn’t help that I don’t even feel comfortable enough to breathe. I have had so many doctor and therapist meetings in the past few weeks, I’m ready to scream. Maybe it would be different if I felt that any of them were actually helping me. Argh, I don’t know. For anyone out there with a psychologist, did you feel you were getting anywhere during your first few meetings? I mean, I’ve only seen her twice, so I don’t want to immediately be negative, but I spent my last hour with her listening to her talk about riding bicycles and how her daughter is in the peace corps. And then I paid her ridiculous amounts of money for that (or, rather, hopefully my insurance did). Met with a nutritionist and my regular doctor as well, and then this coming week I have a psychiatrist appointment and an appointment with an eye doctor and a dermatologist…it never ends! I just want some peace!

I say that, but I can’t really be all negative. Sometimes I can’t help but realize…that I’m really quite ridiculous in the best way. I spent last night playing with my camera and a 6-year old prom dress that still has never been worn in public. I wish I’d remember to have fun more often.

There’s a woodpecker that keeps banging on the gutters, which is annoying enough during the day, but when it wakes me up at 4am? Oi. Someone needs to tell him that’s metal he’s hitting.

These were just some other pictures I took around the house earlier this week.

New layout, oh yes! And hopefully a revamp of content will also be coming soon. *Brushes away cobwebs*–I’ve kinda been neglecting things around here. I even returned a bunch of long-overdue comments!

My search for a summer job continues. I didn’t get the job at the coffee shop that I wanted, as it was already taken. So I now have applications in at TCBY and a local retirement community, and tomorrow I *gasp of dread* hit up the fast food joints for applications. Blaaaaaah. I shunted all (”all”) my money into a one-year CD, so if I want to buy anything before next March, I’m really going to need a job.

My two best friends from high school are here for the weekend. I love hanging out with them–we act ridiculous and laugh the whole time. I wish I could find friends like them that I could see more than twice a year. Unlike so many other friends I’ve made, I could hang out with them forever, and I always feel so good afterwards. Positive relationships, yesss.

I got my pins from PETA today! My…LCSW? Social worker? That makes me sound like a delinquent, but she’s not a psychologist or psychiatrist…My mental-help-talker-person-thingy-with-some-sort-of-degree-and-title challenged my veganism, which sort of angered me at first, but now I’m glad. I’d forgotten why I felt so strongly about animal rights. I’ve been sending out letters to various corporations, and then I ordered a few pins to wear and pamphlets to hand out to anyone who asks. Ohh, me and my passive activism. It’s such fun! I urge everyone to try doing SOMETHING in support of a cause they have feelings about. Just write a letter, or send an e-mail–remember why you care!

Mmm, I made vegan cheesecake today, and it is so fantastically delicious! I’ve been doing tons of vegan cooking as of late, which makes me happy. And I’m putting a cookbook together for myself with some of my favorite recipes, a few of which I might post up here, to share the tasty goodness.

I’ve finished all but one of my finals for college–hooray! Just an italian exam (at home) on Monday, and then I’m through. I can’t wait for that whole mess to be over with, so I can (hopefully) stop stressing. Life got a little too overwhelming for my tastes for a bit (hence my internet disappearance), but now I’m back at home, so it’s all good.

And I’m TRANSFERRING next year! Yesss, the best news ever–I don’t have to return! I may miss out on a semester, as I’m not sure I can get into anywhere for the fall, but that’s okay, I think I might need the extra break anyway. Maybe I can use the time to figure out my life. Orrr, use it to bum around and achieve nothing. Yes, I think the second sounds like the more fun option.

Eep, I have to quest for a job today. Nothing fancy, just hoping to get work at a cute local coffee/art shop. Mmm, I love the smell of coffee, even if I’m not a fan of the drink. And I know nothing about making it, but hopefully that won’t be a problem. Maybe I should google some more popular coffee drinks, just so I at least know what they are.
The weather here has been perfect, and I have been doing so much outside. Riding my horse, biking, jogging, gardening, tennis. I love it.

Some random pictures of summer:

There are only three weeks left in the semester.  I can’t believe it.  Three weeks of classes, two presentations, four papers, and I’ll be done.  Finised.  Completely.  I can go home (thank god) and not worry about college for an entire and glorious summer.  I can go home and pretend I’ll never have to come back.

Finding out that others are talking about you when you’re not around is never a good feeling.  Ugh, I’m so sick of my roommate.  Everything I tell her makes its way around to everyone we mutually know.  Even if they’re things I’d say to other people, I’d like to tell them myself, not find out they’ve already known for a month.  She was gone for the weekend and it was so nice to have a chance to just breeeathe and not be constantly on guard in relation to my words and actions.

The weather has also been spectacular, which always makes life seem so much better.  It’s actually spring, with perhaps even a hint of summer!  I’ve been able to go outside without a sweater on!  How crazy!  And my friend and I have played tennis every day, which is fantastic, as I love tennis.  I’ve also spent time reading outside, lying by the pond.  Reading for classes is actually enjoyable when I can go outdoors and do it.

Mmm, I feel physically exhausted from jogging and tennis and just being ACTIVE all day, and I love it.  I can’t wait to crawl into bed with that fantastic, happy, relieved feeling.  Mmmm.  Is it bed time yet?  Nope, 6:50pm, guess I have to wait a little bit.

It snows, it melts, it snows, it melts.  Bad mood, good mood, bad mood, good mood.  I feel like I’ve been all over the place as of late.  So let’s just focus on the good!

Last night was a semi-formal dance.  I got myself all gussied up for the first time in, well…Let’s put it this way–I bought the dress this summer before classes started, and as of yesterday afternoon the tags were still on it.  So yeah, it was about time.  I felt pretty and danced badly (is there any other way for the hopelessly awkward?) and had a general good time.

I finally spent some of my birthday gift certificate (I’m way too indecisive–I should really never be given gifts cards), and so Arrested Development Season 3 arrived, hoorayness!  As well as the beautiful Morgan-Greer Tarot Deck.  Tarot cards are such fun, and I’m in love with this deck as it’s simple and beautiful.  I really want to start a tarot card collection.  I have three decks–that’s a beginning I suppose.

I also still have a room full of all the fantastic easter food my mom mailed me.  Mmmm, blueberry poptarts!  Unfrosted!  I don’t know how she found them.  Or why I love unfrosted poptarts so very much.

It’s Easter! Yay, I guess. I don’t know, Easter doesn’t mean much for me unless I’m at home, when I can decorate eggs (I love the paas dye stuff–so much fun and it stains EVERYTHING) and hide plastic ones full of black jelly beans (Why does 99% of the world hate black jelly beans? Mmm, licorice!) Traditions are what I love about holidays. Here, eh, nothing special. There isn’t even interesting food at the dining halls, it’s just the usual Sunday chicken tenders.

Today is SUNNY! For the first time since I’ve returned after spring break! I almost feel human again, it’s wonderful. Perhaps I’d feel even more human if I’d had more than four hours of sleep last night. I went to a party for the first time in…at least 6 months. And I actually had a good time, which was not what I expected. One of my sort of friends got drunk for the first time. I feel like I should be attracted to him, as he’s the nicest guy, is pretty much clean-cut, maybe a little too innocent, athletic body, gorgeous smile–but I just don’t feel anything for him. I keep trying, but it just isn’t happening. He came over to my room after the party, but all we did was talk and watch Comedy Central until 3 a.m. I don’t know–I haven’t been attracted to anyone for such a long time, I think I’ve forgotten how!

I got my first paycheck last week! Hooray! I’m officially a working girl! As in, I put mail in mailboxes for a few hours two mornings a week. But a job’s a job, and I actually really like it–I’m an organizational freak, so nothing makes me happier than to put things where they belong. Perfect job for me, no?

OK Go! is coming to my college next month for a concert. Yay–we actually got someone other people have heard of!